14 weeks! WOW, last week sure went by really fast. So now I am officially in the 2nd trimester. I am still battling fatigue. Mostly in the morning. I just cant function. I get up at 7am to get Malikai ready for school. Within minutes everyone is awake. By about 8-8:30am I am dead. I cant barely move im so tired. I get a second wind around 10:30 but that dwindles and im back to being a zombie by 5ish. but naturally I cant bring myself to go to bed before 11pm unless I happen to fall asleep on the couch watching tv.
Ive gained a little more weight. I am not positive on how much. Its at least 3 pounds. I havent been eating horrible. not the greatest, but still not horrible.
I asked myself the other day whose child this is because all im craving is fruit. mostly grapes with a few apples thrown in. Apples give me heartburn though. blah! I love bananas too but we dont have any right now. plus its hard to keep those in the house with the kids since they love them too.
I am still an emotional rollar coaster. On a daily basis I have mini breakdowns because between just simply being with child and my weight gain, my boobs have gotten so huge and now none of my bras fit. None! Not even the ones I had to put up when I lost all the weight and I was swimming in them. I HATE buying new bras knowing they wont fit for very long but I have to buy something. Its not good that I keep popping out. So uncomfortable! It is nice in a way to have them back. I could stand to not have that extra weight right on my chest though.
So nothing else going on in the world of baby. Well I do have a little tiff. Although all of my family knows about the baby. We told them very early on ONLY because I couldnt hide my ever growing body anymore. But none of his family knows. Not one of them! Its sad, disappointing and pathetic. They won't be supportive. They didnt want us to have any of our kids so in a sense they dont deserve to know. I would rather just go about this pregnancy and they never find out. its not like we spend any time together and see each other often, so its not impossible to go this whole time without them knowing. I just dont know if the wrath will be worse telling them now or waiting? He wants to tell them by making a Christmas card and someone throwing in there that there is a new addition coming. I think its a bad idea. So we'll see. I hate thinking about them finding out. I dont want to hear their opinions and I shouldnt have to and no matter how much you tell them that, they always feel the need to dish it out.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
One of those days..
Today has been a tough day emotionally for me and I really don't know what triggered it. I am just in one of those funks that I get in throughout my entire pregnancy with no rhyme or reason.
I know I am thinking alot about tomorrow. How its suppose to be centered around family and being grateful for them etc.. which made me remember a bitter conversation I had with my mother the other day. She didnt believe me when I told her that I don't remember a good 90%+ of my childhood. I have little to no memories. And what memories I do have, they don't involve anything she did with me. How sad is that? I have always had a fear that my kids are going to grow up and not remember good times with me. Are they just going to remember how mommy was "mean" this day because she took away something, or mommy had a meltdown or something else negative that could happen. Are they going to remember that I was there for them every single possible moment I could be? That nothing in my life is more important than them? Even though my patience is very limited on some days or they drive me crazy on most days. doesnt mean I don't want to be right here with them every step of the way. just means i need a breather for a second so I can go back to being super mommy the best I know how.
Its like, how do I know about being a good mother if I had no role model growing up? How do I know I am not being too tough on them some days that will resort to them hating me when they get older? Its terrifying. So in the end I try to over compensate but then I have to stop myself because then I feel myself resorting to what my mother did. I dont want my kids to think material things are more important than me being there to read them stories, or to kiss their owies or whatever the case may be. I just want for them what I never had.
Tomorrow we are suppose to go over to my mothers for dinner. I declined at first because I already know how it will go. It will be her being all pissed off because her husband wont do anything and my sister is being a brat and that leaves her to do it all. She wont take responsibility for anything. She wont suck anything up instead she has to blame everything and everybody for whatever could be going wrong. So then dinner will be quiet with hints of sarcasm mixed in. Talk about awkward moments. Who wants to be around that? You can cut the tension with knife!
Not to mention, 3 people that are going to be there are smokers. my mother, stepfather and another guest. How can I tell them that they cant smoke in their own home? Dont get me wrong, I did just that and I dont feel bad about it at all. I said that we will not come if smoking is going to happen around me. They dont believe me that secondhand smoke is bad. Well they "know" it but since all of us turned out just fine it really cant be that bad right? I have even said that secondhand smoke raises the chance of SIDS in babies, that secondhand smoke raises the chance of having breakthrough seizures if that is something you suffer from. Well newsflash mommy dearest, im pregnant. I dont want any risk for my baby. Tiler and Malikai have had epilepsy. Thank GOD they dont have to take any more medication for it so its possible they have outgrown it but that doesnt mean I want to take ANY risk with it. Who would want to press the issue??
all of this wrapped into one makes my anxiety sky high. my head hurts just thinking about all that could and will go wrong tomorrow. I will have to deal with all of this and then have to work for a few hours in the late evening.
After this meltdown will come another because Christmas is coming soon and we have no family to celebrate with. Not that its a huge deal because we have our kids and that is what matters. But our kids deserve other family experiences too. Damned if we do and damned if we dont. I hate the holidays. But its time for me to put on a happy face and calm my nerves to make the best possible experiences for my kids.
I know I am thinking alot about tomorrow. How its suppose to be centered around family and being grateful for them etc.. which made me remember a bitter conversation I had with my mother the other day. She didnt believe me when I told her that I don't remember a good 90%+ of my childhood. I have little to no memories. And what memories I do have, they don't involve anything she did with me. How sad is that? I have always had a fear that my kids are going to grow up and not remember good times with me. Are they just going to remember how mommy was "mean" this day because she took away something, or mommy had a meltdown or something else negative that could happen. Are they going to remember that I was there for them every single possible moment I could be? That nothing in my life is more important than them? Even though my patience is very limited on some days or they drive me crazy on most days. doesnt mean I don't want to be right here with them every step of the way. just means i need a breather for a second so I can go back to being super mommy the best I know how.
Its like, how do I know about being a good mother if I had no role model growing up? How do I know I am not being too tough on them some days that will resort to them hating me when they get older? Its terrifying. So in the end I try to over compensate but then I have to stop myself because then I feel myself resorting to what my mother did. I dont want my kids to think material things are more important than me being there to read them stories, or to kiss their owies or whatever the case may be. I just want for them what I never had.
Tomorrow we are suppose to go over to my mothers for dinner. I declined at first because I already know how it will go. It will be her being all pissed off because her husband wont do anything and my sister is being a brat and that leaves her to do it all. She wont take responsibility for anything. She wont suck anything up instead she has to blame everything and everybody for whatever could be going wrong. So then dinner will be quiet with hints of sarcasm mixed in. Talk about awkward moments. Who wants to be around that? You can cut the tension with knife!
Not to mention, 3 people that are going to be there are smokers. my mother, stepfather and another guest. How can I tell them that they cant smoke in their own home? Dont get me wrong, I did just that and I dont feel bad about it at all. I said that we will not come if smoking is going to happen around me. They dont believe me that secondhand smoke is bad. Well they "know" it but since all of us turned out just fine it really cant be that bad right? I have even said that secondhand smoke raises the chance of SIDS in babies, that secondhand smoke raises the chance of having breakthrough seizures if that is something you suffer from. Well newsflash mommy dearest, im pregnant. I dont want any risk for my baby. Tiler and Malikai have had epilepsy. Thank GOD they dont have to take any more medication for it so its possible they have outgrown it but that doesnt mean I want to take ANY risk with it. Who would want to press the issue??
all of this wrapped into one makes my anxiety sky high. my head hurts just thinking about all that could and will go wrong tomorrow. I will have to deal with all of this and then have to work for a few hours in the late evening.
After this meltdown will come another because Christmas is coming soon and we have no family to celebrate with. Not that its a huge deal because we have our kids and that is what matters. But our kids deserve other family experiences too. Damned if we do and damned if we dont. I hate the holidays. But its time for me to put on a happy face and calm my nerves to make the best possible experiences for my kids.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Week 13
Holy shit, im 13 weeks. I cant decide if this is going by really fast or if I am going as slow as a snail. I did find out veryyyy early on. So this is my last week in the first trimester. I always thought week 13 was the first week of the 2nd trimester but I read differently today. This is also my last week of month 3. Crazy! im sure it will go by even faster with the holidays fast approaching.
I have various rants this week.
1. I am to the point where I just feel like a damn beached whale. nothing looks good. I feel like I have fat rolls sticking out of my shirts that are getting tight instead of everything looking so round and baby like. From head to toe looks like shit. My hair is horrible, my face is dull, my boobs look like a porn star, my hips look like they dont even belong to my body cause they are so effin wide. I didnt sign up for any of this. I signed up to look like a glowing beauty with perfect curves everywhere. WTF?? This baby HAS to be a boy. only my boys have made me look like this.
2. yeah that was only 1 rant above. My next one, im moody. I am sooooo moody. everything annoys me. From hearing my alarm in the morning to simply having to walk from point A to point B annoys me. Breathing annoys me, the cold annoys me, people annoy me. I swear I have a sign on my head that attracts all the stupid people to come talk to me. If I hear 1 more persons life story at work I am going to cry. Ok so I dont mind being friendly to a customer, but I dont care that your crotch hurts cause you are pregnant and the baby lays weird. I dont care that your child is the devil and you want to leave them at the store. I dont care what size boobs your girlfriend had or how your other clothes dont fit. Or that your underwear is so tight you refer to them as nut crunchers and that your ex wife is a dumb old broad. I DONT CARE! Why do people think that others want to hear this??
3. Gas. Now come on. What cruel things have I done to deserve this?? My body rejects everything every pregnancy and its just not fair. Yeah I do get some good laughs about it especially when I catch my family off guard. But seriously, how much longer?? Its just not cool. Why wasnt that taught in anything ive read about pregnancy. Someone could have warned me.
I came across this site today. It is hilarious. It had me in tears. All to familiar lol
http://www.hisboyscanswim.com/473/pregnancy-gas-early-pregnancy-wifes-gas-drives-husband-out-of-house
4. Anxiety. Wow! I have never been through this. Its been pretty bad. I am just a nervous wreck! Good example, Last week Bennett and Jamison had to spend the night at Grandmas house and I sat on my couch crying cause I couldnt handle it. I could feel myself getting all worked up over nothing really. I simply just wanted my babies home and in their own bed.
I think that is the conclusion of my rants for this week.
On a good note, there is some good things that has happened
1. my weight gain has stablized. I am still gaining, but its very minimal. Well at least since I have seen my midwife last week. I hope it stays like this cause I am not looking forward to gaining 50+ pounds which is what I will do but I hope its more spread out over the next 27 weeks
2. I have felt the baby move a few times. Its typically only 1-2 times a day. so far nothing yet today, but its always went I am sitting and the kick is right where I bend at the waist. I <3 that feeling. calms my nerves!
Well I guess that is the conclusion for this week. I might have more later on. Still not ready to post a picture. I really should. Its just simply being too lazy to dig out my camera.
I have various rants this week.
1. I am to the point where I just feel like a damn beached whale. nothing looks good. I feel like I have fat rolls sticking out of my shirts that are getting tight instead of everything looking so round and baby like. From head to toe looks like shit. My hair is horrible, my face is dull, my boobs look like a porn star, my hips look like they dont even belong to my body cause they are so effin wide. I didnt sign up for any of this. I signed up to look like a glowing beauty with perfect curves everywhere. WTF?? This baby HAS to be a boy. only my boys have made me look like this.
2. yeah that was only 1 rant above. My next one, im moody. I am sooooo moody. everything annoys me. From hearing my alarm in the morning to simply having to walk from point A to point B annoys me. Breathing annoys me, the cold annoys me, people annoy me. I swear I have a sign on my head that attracts all the stupid people to come talk to me. If I hear 1 more persons life story at work I am going to cry. Ok so I dont mind being friendly to a customer, but I dont care that your crotch hurts cause you are pregnant and the baby lays weird. I dont care that your child is the devil and you want to leave them at the store. I dont care what size boobs your girlfriend had or how your other clothes dont fit. Or that your underwear is so tight you refer to them as nut crunchers and that your ex wife is a dumb old broad. I DONT CARE! Why do people think that others want to hear this??
3. Gas. Now come on. What cruel things have I done to deserve this?? My body rejects everything every pregnancy and its just not fair. Yeah I do get some good laughs about it especially when I catch my family off guard. But seriously, how much longer?? Its just not cool. Why wasnt that taught in anything ive read about pregnancy. Someone could have warned me.
I came across this site today. It is hilarious. It had me in tears. All to familiar lol
http://www.hisboyscanswim.com/473/pregnancy-gas-early-pregnancy-wifes-gas-drives-husband-out-of-house
4. Anxiety. Wow! I have never been through this. Its been pretty bad. I am just a nervous wreck! Good example, Last week Bennett and Jamison had to spend the night at Grandmas house and I sat on my couch crying cause I couldnt handle it. I could feel myself getting all worked up over nothing really. I simply just wanted my babies home and in their own bed.
I think that is the conclusion of my rants for this week.
On a good note, there is some good things that has happened
1. my weight gain has stablized. I am still gaining, but its very minimal. Well at least since I have seen my midwife last week. I hope it stays like this cause I am not looking forward to gaining 50+ pounds which is what I will do but I hope its more spread out over the next 27 weeks
2. I have felt the baby move a few times. Its typically only 1-2 times a day. so far nothing yet today, but its always went I am sitting and the kick is right where I bend at the waist. I <3 that feeling. calms my nerves!
Well I guess that is the conclusion for this week. I might have more later on. Still not ready to post a picture. I really should. Its just simply being too lazy to dig out my camera.
Friday, November 19, 2010
12.2 weeks...
yesterday and I had my first appt with my midwife. She is so great to come to my house so I dont have to drag all the kids out and drive an hour away to her office!
Pretty uneventful appt but I will take those any time. After several minutes and I guess very little cooperation from the baby she found the heartbeat. It was in the 160s. I wasnt worried since I was playing around with my doppler shortly before she got here and I found it fairly quickly.
I had to step on that damn dreaded scale where she the gain has totaled 31 pounds. And that is WITH clothes on which included jeans and we all know that jeans are like a lead weight or so I will believe that to make myself feel better about the high number hehe. I am coming down with something and was feeling a little sick yesterday so I think I had lost a little bit of fluid weight from when I weighed myself in the AM.
My next appt is on Dec 16th.
Pretty uneventful appt but I will take those any time. After several minutes and I guess very little cooperation from the baby she found the heartbeat. It was in the 160s. I wasnt worried since I was playing around with my doppler shortly before she got here and I found it fairly quickly.
I had to step on that damn dreaded scale where she the gain has totaled 31 pounds. And that is WITH clothes on which included jeans and we all know that jeans are like a lead weight or so I will believe that to make myself feel better about the high number hehe. I am coming down with something and was feeling a little sick yesterday so I think I had lost a little bit of fluid weight from when I weighed myself in the AM.
My next appt is on Dec 16th.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Whopping 12 weeks
So today is the 12 wk mark. Just have to get through next week and I will officially be in a new month. Yay me.
I really need to try and remember the hell ive been through in the last handful of weeks so I can try to convince myself as to why am I going through this yet again. So here goes.
Right off the bat, before I even knew I was pregnant I put on about 10 pounds. That is typical of me. Happened with every pregnancy. Little did I know, I would glance at that delicious donut sitting there staring at me and I would gain another 25 pounds. Yeah you read that right. THIRTY FIVE MOTHER EFFIN POUNDS LATER. P.O.S. thats all I have to say! Well if you know me, that is never all I have to say.
Up until about week 10 I was a nauseous mess. I would smell anything, I would feel sick. I would see something unattractive (food or otherwise) I would feel sick. I would get too hungry, get too full, walk too fast, stand too long I would feel sick. I was constantly chewing on gum, sucking on mint candies or just plain ass eating to try and curb the nausea cause naturally my body wouldnt "allow" me to puke to possibly make me feel better.
During all of this I was a walking zombie. I would sit down and thats all she wrote. I would fall asleep. Several times I fell asleep on my lunch break at work lol. Thankfully now I can do all of the above without feeling like I need to die in the process. I still get bouts of nausea and extreme fatigue but its not everyday.
So one would naturally ask how the hell did I gain all that weight? you know what, I have no idea. Yeah I have not been strict with what I am eating, but to gain that much weight? Yeah not so much. No matter what I eat I gain. I am even exercising on a daily basis so I must listen to some of my wonderful friends when they are so nice to tell me that this just must be what my body needs. I am trying to think about that as I put on my fatty pants. I cant even get my ankles into my pre pregnancy pants. Just means more work after the baby is here. Which will be close to when the baby is 2 cause when I am BFing, I wont lose anything. Shoot me now. This is all for a good cause...this is all for a good cause....
I think next week I will take my first pictures. I am not sure yet. I am big. really big. Its hard to get excited about that cause I clearly know its not all baby. the baby is like 2 inches long, not 18 which my stomach looks like it. You know how uncomfortable it is to try and suck in a pregnant stomach. Yeah, not so good. I would look normal if I could do that. So I guess in the meantime I will continue being asked if there is more than 1 in there (been confirmed there is only 1) cause I am the size of a cow and nobody can believe I am not due until May. Well F you people. Your skinny asses suck right now and I dont think I like you.
I really need to try and remember the hell ive been through in the last handful of weeks so I can try to convince myself as to why am I going through this yet again. So here goes.
Right off the bat, before I even knew I was pregnant I put on about 10 pounds. That is typical of me. Happened with every pregnancy. Little did I know, I would glance at that delicious donut sitting there staring at me and I would gain another 25 pounds. Yeah you read that right. THIRTY FIVE MOTHER EFFIN POUNDS LATER. P.O.S. thats all I have to say! Well if you know me, that is never all I have to say.
Up until about week 10 I was a nauseous mess. I would smell anything, I would feel sick. I would see something unattractive (food or otherwise) I would feel sick. I would get too hungry, get too full, walk too fast, stand too long I would feel sick. I was constantly chewing on gum, sucking on mint candies or just plain ass eating to try and curb the nausea cause naturally my body wouldnt "allow" me to puke to possibly make me feel better.
During all of this I was a walking zombie. I would sit down and thats all she wrote. I would fall asleep. Several times I fell asleep on my lunch break at work lol. Thankfully now I can do all of the above without feeling like I need to die in the process. I still get bouts of nausea and extreme fatigue but its not everyday.
So one would naturally ask how the hell did I gain all that weight? you know what, I have no idea. Yeah I have not been strict with what I am eating, but to gain that much weight? Yeah not so much. No matter what I eat I gain. I am even exercising on a daily basis so I must listen to some of my wonderful friends when they are so nice to tell me that this just must be what my body needs. I am trying to think about that as I put on my fatty pants. I cant even get my ankles into my pre pregnancy pants. Just means more work after the baby is here. Which will be close to when the baby is 2 cause when I am BFing, I wont lose anything. Shoot me now. This is all for a good cause...this is all for a good cause....
I think next week I will take my first pictures. I am not sure yet. I am big. really big. Its hard to get excited about that cause I clearly know its not all baby. the baby is like 2 inches long, not 18 which my stomach looks like it. You know how uncomfortable it is to try and suck in a pregnant stomach. Yeah, not so good. I would look normal if I could do that. So I guess in the meantime I will continue being asked if there is more than 1 in there (been confirmed there is only 1) cause I am the size of a cow and nobody can believe I am not due until May. Well F you people. Your skinny asses suck right now and I dont think I like you.
Monday, November 15, 2010
And so it begins....
So I have finally decided to get off of my ass (and boy has that grown!) and make a blog for this pregnancy. I had one last time for Jamison and I love going back to read it. See, typically I am a super lazy person when I am pregnant. I get by on only what has to be done and I don't go out of my way to do much more. Ok I am not *that* bad, but Im not much better. BUT this time around I am super busy. People think on a daily basis that I need to play God or something. i swear if I am handed one more duty then I will scream. Even as I sit here, my eye is starting to twitch yet again. Even that needs to relax! My perfect day would consist of sleeping and sitting on my ever growing ass and grow this baby until he or she decides its time to come out and learn such wonderful things my other gifts have to offer. But duty calls....
PS: After thinking about it, I thought I should add. I am not the greatest pregnant person. I am not one that walks around glowing and happy at the world. Its just not me. There are days I enjoy being pregnant and having that basketball stick out in front of me. But there are plenty of days that I just cant wait to be over. So you wont see me sugar coating anything in my blog. Im going to keep it real about what *I* go through. So if you cant handle that or you are easily offended please dont even bother to read this let alone post a comment cause I dont want to hear your crap. ive got plenty of my own to share :)
PS: After thinking about it, I thought I should add. I am not the greatest pregnant person. I am not one that walks around glowing and happy at the world. Its just not me. There are days I enjoy being pregnant and having that basketball stick out in front of me. But there are plenty of days that I just cant wait to be over. So you wont see me sugar coating anything in my blog. Im going to keep it real about what *I* go through. So if you cant handle that or you are easily offended please dont even bother to read this let alone post a comment cause I dont want to hear your crap. ive got plenty of my own to share :)
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