bunch of nonsense rolled into one...

I am a part of a really neat forum and within this forum there is a section for conception/pregnancy etc.. The mamas on there started talking about baby gear and it dawned on me. I HAVE NOTHING! I don't have enough clothes, I have only a few cloth diapers. Thats it. I dont have a swing, obviously need more clothes and diapers. If its a boy I have no car seat. WTF am I going to do???
I dont have a huge desire to run out and buy a bunch of stuff. Me? I dont want to shop? I have to be more money conscious this time around because we need to get another vehicle, a bigger vehicle and I cant be doing that if im blowing it on everything cute in sight.
I know what swing I want, I just have to find it since I refuse to pay full price for it so I have been stalking craigslist with no luck. I plan on using Jamisons old car seat for the baby but we need to get her a new one and I probably wont do that until tax time. Plus if this baby ends up being a boy then I need to get a new seat cover. I might go out today and hit up Gymboree's sale they are having to see if I can find some summer clothes for a steal. Its really weird buying summer clothes when its 30 degrees with snow on the ground.

I have been feeling a ton of movement <3. yesterday I was having quite a few braxton hicks and I happened to be laying down on my back and i could see the baby moving around, just the slightest movements. if I remember correctly, when I was pregnant with Jamison I didnt experience this until closer to 20-21 weeks. im not complaining though. I have had a ton of anxiety this time around so this just helps ease my mind.

We have picked out a name. Still struggling on the middle name. Well we have those too, I just have to make sure I am totally loving the one for a boy.
Boy- Phoenix Star
Girl- Phoenix Ivory
I picture "star" as being on the girly side. but we'll see. I had a different idea for a girls first name, but I have fallen in love with Phoenix so I cant see myself changing it like I seem to always do.

I told myself that I was going to stop taking belly pics every week and just try to go every 4 weeks so you can obviously see a difference but now I am regretting not taking my 18 wk one on Tuesday. granted its only Thursday but it will throw everything off. I loved how I did it every week for Jamison.

thats enough babbling for now....

18 weeks!

5 months today AHHHH! Almost half way there! this is seriously going by really fast. I am so not prepared in any way. clothes, diapers, gear. nothing! By this time with Jamison I had totes full of stuff just waiting from a very early time. Well with my first 3, the second I found out their sex, I was at the store and buying everything. I just havent had that urge to buy anything. Ive gotten a few cloth diapers and a few outfits for a boy and a girl but definitely not enough stuff to even get through a full day.
my exhaustion is back full swing. Ever since I got that cold a couple weeks ago I havent been able to bounce back. I am a walking zombie and I feel bad for my other kids. We really havent done much on their Christmas vacation. Just hanging out at home in our pjs watching movies and playing with toys. I think it bothers me more than them.
I am feeling very full and very fat this past week. all my clothes are getting tighter even though I am not having a considerable weight gain. My uterus is right at the top of my belly button, where as at 16 weeks it was right at the bottom of my belly button so I have grown quite a bit.
I am feeling alot more movement the last few days too. Nothing I can catch on the outside with my hand. Just that 1 time last week. What a tease! But I will take what I have now, because before long the movement will be painful and be wishing for some relief.
My vision is getting really bad. It was already not great before getting pregnant, but over the last 4 weeks its really went downhill, so I have been getting headaches on and off.
I think that is it for this week.

17 weeks

So I had every intention of posting yesterday when I turned 17 weeks but I got busy with the kids and didnt get around to it. They are on their Christmas break right now and although its nice to have a break from the school routine, they are so full of energy and driving me batty. Never realized how loud they are. WOW!
So today I am 17.1 weeks. This past week went by really fast! I feel like i have gotten bigger. I have gained a couple pounds since my appt last week with my midwife but I can assure you its all because of the fruit I have been eating. Fruit, Salad and hamburgers have been a big hit with me this past week. I cant get enough of oranges. My new obsession. Who is this child? Why are they making me crave FRUIT. I am not really complaining, its just with my past pregnancies fruit was the furthest thing I wanted.
I am starting to get a little uncomfortable while sleeping. mostly my hips. they get sore very quickly, so I just have to cross my fingers I can fall asleep before they start to hurt.
I broke down and went on a much needed grocery trip. Been almost a month I think lol. It wasnt a crazy stressful trip, the kids were really good and helpful. But by the time I got home I was so exhausted and just not feeling well at all. The minute I sat on the couch I fell asleep. I was hoping I would be able to get a little further along before I started getting this tired from little outings. This past week I have been needing a little cat nap in the afternoon also. I treat myself to a small cappuccino on days that I am working so that little bit of caffeine helps me get through my work day. Its my weakness in the winter time. I could drink it all day long, but I am limiting it to only days that I work and I only drink it 1 time so I dont overload. Baby tolerates it too. I dont feel any bouncing around :)
Speaking of bouncing around. The night before last, right before I was going to go to bed, I felt the baby kick for the first time on the outside. It was really small and only happened 1 time. I have been feeling movement but it seems like every time I put my hand on my stomach the kicking stops. I felt it right where my waist bends. I was sitting down at the time too. It was a great feeling. Im going to enjoy it now before it gets painful and I wished I had a break from it.

Last but not least. I had a picture taken yesterday. I think I will resort to just taking a picture of myself in the mirror lol.
Little miss Jamison had to join in too.

16th week!

As of today I am 16.3 weeks. Would have updated sooner but I have been sick...still! Today is day 11 of this nasty head cold. I am starting to be on the mend but still sick enough to make me feel exhausted and overwhelmed.
I had an appt yesterday with my midwife. Went by super fast. Nice and boring, just how I like and need it.
I have gained 4lbs. which is not bad for me! I seem to be on track now for what is normal for me at least. the first trimester was just a nightmare! the babes heartbeat was about 160 and so far I am measuring normal. So maybe for once I wont birth a cow? lol. I typically dont start measuring big until I get closer to the end of the 2nd trimester.
Aside from that nothing is going on. I was going to take a picture this week but never got around to it so I will just start back up on my 17th week. Lets hope I dont forget to do it then :)

First Belly Pic

I got called into work so I had to work fast on trying to get a decent pic. Didnt turn out the greatest. very grainy. blah. I couldnt even try to edit anything just because I had no time so this is all I have for this week.
so it was taken yesterday at 15.2 weeks

15 weeks

15.2 weeks if you want to get technical. Its been a crazy week and I just didnt feel like sitting down to post anything. I dont even want to right now, but figured I might as well. We have all been sick. The kids first and I started coming down with a cold several days into it and now I am miserable. I know I am not bouncing back quickly because my immune system is already compromised just from being pregnant but also I am getting very little down time to rest. I just want to sleep! I know I could probably take some cold medicine to help relieve the symptoms but I HATE taking anything when I am pregnant. If this lasts another day though I might have to. I tried to work last night and I was miserable. I have to work for the next 3 nights.

I havent weighed myself so I dont know about that.
I did the doppler yesterday and found the HB very quickly. it was in the 130s.
My next appt is coming up on the 16th already!

I have been an emotional basket case the past couple weeks. its gotten bad this week. Maybe because I am sick? Little things really set me off and overwhelms me. I hate it. I hate crying. Its never been an ok thing as I was growing up so doing it now just doesnt feel right. So I get embarrassed. blah

Oh something that did come about was I was trying to book the photographer that did Jamisons birth and she is out. She is pregnant too and due a few weeks before me. She recommended a couple other people to me and I thought I had booked one of them but after a few days she realized there was conflicting schedules so now she is out. I dont know what to do anymore. Right now I dont have the energy to find someone, yet if I keep waiting, everyone will be booked.

Im going to try and get a picture today. I have to take one myself. I hate those kind of pictures. Having my big camera in the picture but there isnt much more I can do to get one.

2nd trimester, here I come!

14 weeks! WOW, last week sure went by really fast. So now I am officially in the 2nd trimester. I am still battling fatigue. Mostly in the morning. I just cant function. I get up at 7am to get Malikai ready for school. Within minutes everyone is awake. By about 8-8:30am I am dead. I cant barely move im so tired. I get a second wind around 10:30 but that dwindles and im back to being a zombie by 5ish. but naturally I cant bring myself to go to bed before 11pm unless I happen to fall asleep on the couch watching tv.
Ive gained a little more weight. I am not positive on how much. Its at least 3 pounds. I havent been eating horrible. not the greatest, but still not horrible.
I asked myself the other day whose child this is because all im craving is fruit. mostly grapes with a few apples thrown in. Apples give me heartburn though. blah! I love bananas too but we dont have any right now. plus its hard to keep those in the house with the kids since they love them too.
I am still an emotional rollar coaster. On a daily basis I have mini breakdowns because between just simply being with child and my weight gain, my boobs have gotten so huge and now none of my bras fit. None! Not even the ones I had to put up when I lost all the weight and I was swimming in them. I HATE buying new bras knowing they wont fit for very long but I have to buy something. Its not good that I keep popping out. So uncomfortable! It is nice in a way to have them back. I could stand to not have that extra weight right on my chest though.

So nothing else going on in the world of baby. Well I do have a little tiff. Although all of my family knows about the baby. We told them very early on ONLY because I couldnt hide my ever growing body anymore. But none of his family knows. Not one of them! Its sad, disappointing and pathetic. They won't be supportive. They didnt want us to have any of our kids so in a sense they dont deserve to know. I would rather just go about this pregnancy and they never find out. its not like we spend any time together and see each other often, so its not impossible to go this whole time without them knowing. I just dont know if the wrath will be worse telling them now or waiting? He wants to tell them by making a Christmas card and someone throwing in there that there is a new addition coming. I think its a bad idea. So we'll see. I hate thinking about them finding out. I dont want to hear their opinions and I shouldnt have to and no matter how much you tell them that, they always feel the need to dish it out.

One of those days..

Today has been a tough day emotionally for me and I really don't know what triggered it. I am just in one of those funks that I get in throughout my entire pregnancy with no rhyme or reason.

I know I am thinking alot about tomorrow. How its suppose to be centered around family and being grateful for them etc.. which made me remember a bitter conversation I had with my mother the other day. She didnt believe me when I told her that I don't remember a good 90%+ of my childhood. I have little to no memories. And what memories I do have, they don't involve anything she did with me. How sad is that? I have always had a fear that my kids are going to grow up and not remember good times with me. Are they just going to remember how mommy was "mean" this day because she took away something, or mommy had a meltdown or something else negative that could happen. Are they going to remember that I was there for them every single possible moment I could be? That nothing in my life is more important than them? Even though my patience is very limited on some days or they drive me crazy on most days. doesnt mean I don't want to be right here with them every step of the way. just means i need a breather for a second so I can go back to being super mommy the best I know how.
Its like, how do I know about being a good mother if I had no role model growing up? How do I know I am not being too tough on them some days that will resort to them hating me when they get older? Its terrifying. So in the end I try to over compensate but then I have to stop myself because then I feel myself resorting to what my mother did. I dont want my kids to think material things are more important than me being there to read them stories, or to kiss their owies or whatever the case may be. I just want for them what I never had.

Tomorrow we are suppose to go over to my mothers for dinner. I declined at first because I already know how it will go. It will be her being all pissed off because her husband wont do anything and my sister is being a brat and that leaves her to do it all. She wont take responsibility for anything. She wont suck anything up instead she has to blame everything and everybody for whatever could be going wrong. So then dinner will be quiet with hints of sarcasm mixed in. Talk about awkward moments. Who wants to be around that? You can cut the tension with knife!
Not to mention, 3 people that are going to be there are smokers. my mother, stepfather and another guest. How can I tell them that they cant smoke in their own home? Dont get me wrong, I did just that and I dont feel bad about it at all. I said that we will not come if smoking is going to happen around me. They dont believe me that secondhand smoke is bad. Well they "know" it but since all of us turned out just fine it really cant be that bad right? I have even said that secondhand smoke raises the chance of SIDS in babies, that secondhand smoke raises the chance of having breakthrough seizures if that is something you suffer from. Well newsflash mommy dearest, im pregnant. I dont want any risk for my baby. Tiler and Malikai have had epilepsy. Thank GOD they dont have to take any more medication for it so its possible they have outgrown it but that doesnt mean I want to take ANY risk with it. Who would want to press the issue??
all of this wrapped into one makes my anxiety sky high. my head hurts just thinking about all that could and will go wrong tomorrow. I will have to deal with all of this and then have to work for a few hours in the late evening.
After this meltdown will come another because Christmas is coming soon and we have no family to celebrate with. Not that its a huge deal because we have our kids and that is what matters. But our kids deserve other family experiences too. Damned if we do and damned if we dont. I hate the holidays. But its time for me to put on a happy face and calm my nerves to make the best possible experiences for my kids.

Week 13

Holy shit, im 13 weeks. I cant decide if this is going by really fast or if I am going as slow as a snail. I did find out veryyyy early on. So this is my last week in the first trimester. I always thought week 13 was the first week of the 2nd trimester but I read differently today. This is also my last week of month 3. Crazy! im sure it will go by even faster with the holidays fast approaching.
I have various rants this week.
1. I am to the point where I just feel like a damn beached whale. nothing looks good. I feel like I have fat rolls sticking out of my shirts that are getting tight instead of everything looking so round and baby like. From head to toe looks like shit. My hair is horrible, my face is dull, my boobs look like a porn star, my hips look like they dont even belong to my body cause they are so effin wide. I didnt sign up for any of this. I signed up to look like a glowing beauty with perfect curves everywhere. WTF?? This baby HAS to be a boy. only my boys have made me look like this.

2. yeah that was only 1 rant above. My next one, im moody. I am sooooo moody. everything annoys me. From hearing my alarm in the morning to simply having to walk from point A to point B annoys me. Breathing annoys me, the cold annoys me, people annoy me. I swear I have a sign on my head that attracts all the stupid people to come talk to me. If I hear 1 more persons life story at work I am going to cry. Ok so I dont mind being friendly to a customer, but I dont care that your crotch hurts cause you are pregnant and the baby lays weird. I dont care that your child is the devil and you want to leave them at the store. I dont care what size boobs your girlfriend had or how your other clothes dont fit. Or that your underwear is so tight you refer to them as nut crunchers and that your ex wife is a dumb old broad. I DONT CARE! Why do people think that others want to hear this??

3. Gas. Now come on. What cruel things have I done to deserve this?? My body rejects everything every pregnancy and its just not fair. Yeah I do get some good laughs about it especially when I catch my family off guard. But seriously, how much longer?? Its just not cool. Why wasnt that taught in anything ive read about pregnancy. Someone could have warned me.
I came across this site today. It is hilarious. It had me in tears. All to familiar lol
http://www.hisboyscanswim.com/473/pregnancy-gas-early-pregnancy-wifes-gas-drives-husband-out-of-house

4. Anxiety. Wow! I have never been through this. Its been pretty bad. I am just a nervous wreck! Good example, Last week Bennett and Jamison had to spend the night at Grandmas house and I sat on my couch crying cause I couldnt handle it. I could feel myself getting all worked up over nothing really. I simply just wanted my babies home and in their own bed.

I think that is the conclusion of my rants for this week.
On a good note, there is some good things that has happened

1. my weight gain has stablized. I am still gaining, but its very minimal. Well at least since I have seen my midwife last week. I hope it stays like this cause I am not looking forward to gaining 50+ pounds which is what I will do but I hope its more spread out over the next 27 weeks

2. I have felt the baby move a few times. Its typically only 1-2 times a day. so far nothing yet today, but its always went I am sitting and the kick is right where I bend at the waist. I <3 that feeling. calms my nerves!

Well I guess that is the conclusion for this week. I might have more later on. Still not ready to post a picture. I really should. Its just simply being too lazy to dig out my camera.

12.2 weeks...

yesterday and I had my first appt with my midwife. She is so great to come to my house so I dont have to drag all the kids out and drive an hour away to her office!
Pretty uneventful appt but I will take those any time. After several minutes and I guess very little cooperation from the baby she found the heartbeat. It was in the 160s. I wasnt worried since I was playing around with my doppler shortly before she got here and I found it fairly quickly.
I had to step on that damn dreaded scale where she the gain has totaled 31 pounds. And that is WITH clothes on which included jeans and we all know that jeans are like a lead weight or so I will believe that to make myself feel better about the high number hehe. I am coming down with something and was feeling a little sick yesterday so I think I had lost a little bit of fluid weight from when I weighed myself in the AM.
My next appt is on Dec 16th.

Whopping 12 weeks

So today is the 12 wk mark. Just have to get through next week and I will officially be in a new month. Yay me.
I really need to try and remember the hell ive been through in the last handful of weeks so I can try to convince myself as to why am I going through this yet again. So here goes.
Right off the bat, before I even knew I was pregnant I put on about 10 pounds. That is typical of me. Happened with every pregnancy. Little did I know, I would glance at that delicious donut sitting there staring at me and I would gain another 25 pounds. Yeah you read that right. THIRTY FIVE MOTHER EFFIN POUNDS LATER. P.O.S. thats all I have to say! Well if you know me, that is never all I have to say.
Up until about week 10 I was a nauseous mess. I would smell anything, I would feel sick. I would see something unattractive (food or otherwise) I would feel sick. I would get too hungry, get too full, walk too fast, stand too long I would feel sick. I was constantly chewing on gum, sucking on mint candies or just plain ass eating to try and curb the nausea cause naturally my body wouldnt "allow" me to puke to possibly make me feel better.
During all of this I was a walking zombie. I would sit down and thats all she wrote. I would fall asleep. Several times I fell asleep on my lunch break at work lol. Thankfully now I can do all of the above without feeling like I need to die in the process. I still get bouts of nausea and extreme fatigue but its not everyday.
So one would naturally ask how the hell did I gain all that weight? you know what, I have no idea. Yeah I have not been strict with what I am eating, but to gain that much weight? Yeah not so much. No matter what I eat I gain. I am even exercising on a daily basis so I must listen to some of my wonderful friends when they are so nice to tell me that this just must be what my body needs. I am trying to think about that as I put on my fatty pants. I cant even get my ankles into my pre pregnancy pants. Just means more work after the baby is here. Which will be close to when the baby is 2 cause when I am BFing, I wont lose anything. Shoot me now. This is all for a good cause...this is all for a good cause....
I think next week I will take my first pictures. I am not sure yet. I am big. really big. Its hard to get excited about that cause I clearly know its not all baby. the baby is like 2 inches long, not 18 which my stomach looks like it. You know how uncomfortable it is to try and suck in a pregnant stomach. Yeah, not so good. I would look normal if I could do that. So I guess in the meantime I will continue being asked if there is more than 1 in there (been confirmed there is only 1) cause I am the size of a cow and nobody can believe I am not due until May. Well F you people. Your skinny asses suck right now and I dont think I like you.

And so it begins....

So I have finally decided to get off of my ass (and boy has that grown!) and make a blog for this pregnancy. I had one last time for Jamison and I love going back to read it. See, typically I am a super lazy person when I am pregnant. I get by on only what has to be done and I don't go out of my way to do much more. Ok I am not *that* bad, but Im not much better. BUT this time around I am super busy. People think on a daily basis that I need to play God or something. i swear if I am handed one more duty then I will scream. Even as I sit here, my eye is starting to twitch yet again. Even that needs to relax! My perfect day would consist of sleeping and sitting on my ever growing ass and grow this baby until he or she decides its time to come out and learn such wonderful things my other gifts have to offer. But duty calls....

PS: After thinking about it, I thought I should add. I am not the greatest pregnant person. I am not one that walks around glowing and happy at the world. Its just not me. There are days I enjoy being pregnant and having that basketball stick out in front of me. But there are plenty of days that I just cant wait to be over. So you wont see me sugar coating anything in my blog. Im going to keep it real about what *I* go through. So if you cant handle that or you are easily offended please dont even bother to read this let alone post a comment cause I dont want to hear your crap. ive got plenty of my own to share :)