One of those days..

Today has been a tough day emotionally for me and I really don't know what triggered it. I am just in one of those funks that I get in throughout my entire pregnancy with no rhyme or reason.

I know I am thinking alot about tomorrow. How its suppose to be centered around family and being grateful for them etc.. which made me remember a bitter conversation I had with my mother the other day. She didnt believe me when I told her that I don't remember a good 90%+ of my childhood. I have little to no memories. And what memories I do have, they don't involve anything she did with me. How sad is that? I have always had a fear that my kids are going to grow up and not remember good times with me. Are they just going to remember how mommy was "mean" this day because she took away something, or mommy had a meltdown or something else negative that could happen. Are they going to remember that I was there for them every single possible moment I could be? That nothing in my life is more important than them? Even though my patience is very limited on some days or they drive me crazy on most days. doesnt mean I don't want to be right here with them every step of the way. just means i need a breather for a second so I can go back to being super mommy the best I know how.
Its like, how do I know about being a good mother if I had no role model growing up? How do I know I am not being too tough on them some days that will resort to them hating me when they get older? Its terrifying. So in the end I try to over compensate but then I have to stop myself because then I feel myself resorting to what my mother did. I dont want my kids to think material things are more important than me being there to read them stories, or to kiss their owies or whatever the case may be. I just want for them what I never had.

Tomorrow we are suppose to go over to my mothers for dinner. I declined at first because I already know how it will go. It will be her being all pissed off because her husband wont do anything and my sister is being a brat and that leaves her to do it all. She wont take responsibility for anything. She wont suck anything up instead she has to blame everything and everybody for whatever could be going wrong. So then dinner will be quiet with hints of sarcasm mixed in. Talk about awkward moments. Who wants to be around that? You can cut the tension with knife!
Not to mention, 3 people that are going to be there are smokers. my mother, stepfather and another guest. How can I tell them that they cant smoke in their own home? Dont get me wrong, I did just that and I dont feel bad about it at all. I said that we will not come if smoking is going to happen around me. They dont believe me that secondhand smoke is bad. Well they "know" it but since all of us turned out just fine it really cant be that bad right? I have even said that secondhand smoke raises the chance of SIDS in babies, that secondhand smoke raises the chance of having breakthrough seizures if that is something you suffer from. Well newsflash mommy dearest, im pregnant. I dont want any risk for my baby. Tiler and Malikai have had epilepsy. Thank GOD they dont have to take any more medication for it so its possible they have outgrown it but that doesnt mean I want to take ANY risk with it. Who would want to press the issue??
all of this wrapped into one makes my anxiety sky high. my head hurts just thinking about all that could and will go wrong tomorrow. I will have to deal with all of this and then have to work for a few hours in the late evening.
After this meltdown will come another because Christmas is coming soon and we have no family to celebrate with. Not that its a huge deal because we have our kids and that is what matters. But our kids deserve other family experiences too. Damned if we do and damned if we dont. I hate the holidays. But its time for me to put on a happy face and calm my nerves to make the best possible experiences for my kids.